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HOLY RELATIONSHIPS - by Michael Dawson

 As you come closer to a brother you approach me, and as you withdraw from him I become distant to you. Salvation is a collaborative venture. It cannot be undertaken successfully by those who disengage themselves from the Sonship, because they are disengaging themselves from me. God will come to you only as you will give Him to your brothers.

 (T63; T-4.VI.8:1-4)

 Relationships are necessary to show us what needs healing under our barriers of denial. This is true for all forms of relationship. Every time we come into contact with another person we have an opportunity to look within and forgive the illusions we hold about ourselves. Without the mirroring of others, it would be impossible to find all the guilt we have denied. This guilt which we all carry is buried deeply within our mind and protected by a wall of denial. As a further defence we project what we deny onto the world and especially onto other people.

The ego tells us that it is not we who have a problem but the people with whom we enter into some form of relationship. However, in the eyes of the Holy Spirit these very same people are our teachers, for without them it would be impossible to see what we have denied. We need something outside our closed mind to show us what is really inside it. When we are shown something we do not like about ourselves, our ego tells us to attack the other person. This is the same as throwing a brick at a mirror because we do not like the reflection we see.

In earlier times, messengers were used to convey important news to heads of government. It was not uncommon for the messenger to be executed if he brought news which was upsetting. Not wishing to take responsibility for the effects of the message upon themselves, the rulers projected the cause of their pain as an attack by the messenger. In the same way, our friends, enemies, parents, lovers, employers or children will continuously bring us messages about what we have denied about ourselves and have blamed on them instead.

Any time we feel even the slightest irritation in someone’s presence, our hidden guilt is being triggered. If at that moment, instead of attacking the other person, we asked the Holy Spirit to help us find peace again, we would, in that instant, undo the ego’s thought system. There would be a shift from desiring a special hate relationship to desiring a holy relationship. The other person has now become our teacher and no longer our enemy.

Without other people acting as mirrors to what is locked away in our unconscious mind, we would find it very difficult to uncover all that needs forgiving in ourselves. As we take responsibility for our own feelings, we begin to see, with the Holy Spirit’s help, that what disturbs us in the world is nothing but a reflection of what disturbs us about ourself.

If our attitude to another person can be one of self-responsibility, truth, forgiveness, joining, defencelessness and shared interest (i.e. awaking from the dream of separation), then we have created what the Course calls a holy relationship. We have invited the Holy Spirit into our relationship. This is a very difficult attitude to maintain, for it is opposite to that advised by the ego. However, we can have the goal of a holy relationship, accepting that many times we will take our ego’s advice and attack again.

This is especially true at the start of a holy relationship when the ego tries to convince us to return to the special relationship of love or hate that we once had. As the goal of our relationship begins to shift from special to holy, it will often feel that we have lost something important. ‘Where has the romance and passion gone?’ a lover may exclaim. A son or daughter may say, ‘My parents were everything to me but now they no longer seem so special!’ As our desire to have special people in our lives begins to disappear, the ego warns us to return to what once seemed to work for us.

 The holy relationship, a major step toward the perception of the real world, is learned. It is the old, unholy relationship, transformed and seen anew . . . the only difficult phase is the beginning. For here, the goal of the relationship is abruptly shifted to the exact opposite of what it was . . . This is accomplished very rapidly, but it makes the relationship seem disturbed, disjunctive and even quite distressing . . . Many relationships have been broken off at this point, and the pursuit of the old goal re-established in another relationship . . . You will find many opportunities to blame your brother for the ‘failure’ of your relationship, for it will seem at times to have no purpose. A sense of aimlessness will come to haunt you, and to remind you of all the ways you once sought for satisfaction and thought you found it. Forget not now the misery you really found, and do not breathe life into your failing ego. (T337f; T362f in 2nd ed.)

 Kenneth Wapnick has stressed it is important to realise that as the holy relationship is an attitude we develop towards other people, it only takes one person to have a holy relationship. What helps me recognise the truth of his statement is to imagine myself trapped alone on a desert island. Would it be impossible for me to have a holy relationship as there are no other people around? Would this opportunity for growth now be lost to me? If I realise, however, that what is important is my attitude of mind to the memories I hold about people, I realise that all the forgiveness I need to practise is still necessary. In the same way, if a person I hated suddenly died I could still achieve a holy relationship with that person if I learned to forgive myself.

Your partner may not share your spiritual path and may even be hostile towards you. However, you can still have a holy relationship with them. Learning to be at peace around an angry person will produce accelerated growth. This is not to say we must remain with anyone with whom it no longer feels right. The Holy Spirit has no concern for the form of the relationship, whether we stay together or part from each other, but is concerned with how we will best learn our lessons of forgiveness.

Jesus has a holy relationship with everyone, whether they have one with him or not. Because of this he was able to be at peace during his capture, trial and crucifixion. Even as the soldiers hammered nails into his body, he could only see sleeping Sons of God asking for his love. This he gave by not attacking them or defending himself. Knowing himself to be eternal, formless spirit and not the body, he knew he could not be attacked and therefore there was no need for defence. It is only when we identify with our body that we feel we need to defend ourself. As we come to realise our true reality and that ‘nothing real can be threatened’ (Intro, Text), we will experience the peace that Jesus knows.

I was once told a story that illustrated in a powerful way what forgiveness and a holy relationship really is. During the liberation of a particular concentration camp at the end of the Second World War, the allies discovered a prisoner who seemed in particularly good shape considering the conditions he had lived under. They presumed he had lived in the camp only a short while. When he told them he had been there for four years, they suspected him of collaboration with the Germans. However, when they saw how the other inmates treated him with respect, they knew there must be another explanation. They asked him for his story and this is what he told them.

During the time of the uprising of the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto, he and his wife and children were captured. The soldiers shot his family in front of him but did not shoot him. He asked to be shot as well but they refused, saying he had language skills which they could use in the concentration camp. At that moment he knew that unless he forgave them, and therefore himself, he would become like Hitler. With this act of forgiveness, he could see the fear in the soldiers and saw it as an appeal for his love. He had accepted the judgement of the Holy Spirit. During his years in the camp, he perceived no difference between the victims and the victimisers. Both groups were in fear and thus were asking for his love. He did not take sides, seeing everyone as the same. This enabled him to retain his sense of inner peace and strength by maintaining a holy relationship with all whom he met. This story also illustrates how everything in this world is neither good nor bad but simply neutral. Everything can be used by the Holy Spirit as a classroom in which to learn forgiveness, peace and joy.

You have no idea of the tremendous release and deep peace that comes from meeting yourself and your brothers totally without judgement.

(T42; T-3.VI.3:1)

 When the ego tempts you to sickness do not ask the Holy Spirit to heal the body for this would merely be to accept the ego’s belief that the body is the proper aim of healing. Ask rather that the Holy Spirit teach you the right perception of the body, for perception alone can be distorted. Only perception can be sick because only perception can be wrong.

from A Course in Miracles (T146; T-8.IX.1:5-7)

Footnote - Michael discoveredA Course in Miracleswhilst visiting the Findhorn Foundation in 1982. He subsequently became a member of the Foundation for about six years and involved himself with healing and teaching. In 1994 he published Healing the Cause - A Path of Forgivenesswhich serves as an introduction to the Course. His second book,The Findhorn Book of Forgiveness(Findhorn Press) uses exercises, stories and case histories to guide the reader to inner peace through forgiveness. Michael now lives in Australia and gives workshops on the Course world-wide.